after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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