he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
