I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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