I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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