I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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