Don't make out with my wife yet
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
