I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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