I want to stick my p in your. b.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
