your thong is hanging out like whoa
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
