you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
