thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Randomize
