It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
