I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
