this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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