I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
