hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
