The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I still have a little drunk in my system
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
