Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
