I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
