You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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