He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
