Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
