What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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