FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
