just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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