i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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