Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
