So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
