I cockslap morals
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
