accomplished twins. life is a go
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
