I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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