I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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