I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I didn't notice because vodka
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
