i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
