i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
