Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
