The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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