we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
