Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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