Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
