Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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