This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
