I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
