Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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