I met the friendliest cop last night
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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