i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
