Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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