I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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