hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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