No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
