the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
