i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
