That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
